Its been far too long...

My third semester at Lesley University is over.  Here's a short recap of the last year and almost half:
-Made friends
-Kept friends
-Became an alcoholic
-Went to court (long story)
-Networked
-Got too involved with school politics
-Discovered marijuana
-Became the campus asshole (in a good way)
-Changed my major (Political Science + Holistic Psych)
-Lived and worked in Cambridge for the summer
-Cleaned up
-Took Vice-President seat over the SGA
-Tripped balls for a while
-Settled Down
-Broke my nose
-Kept my GPA above a 3.3

Its been an eventful year and almost half.

Now, I'm locked in my room as a semi-accomplished college student who, despite being completely independent from my family (yes, I pay for college myself), has to deal with the torment of having closed-minded family members who like to make it their duty to tell me how much of a fuck up I am.

But it isn't all bad.

I have loads of great friends, a steady drug habit, a reputation like none other, the ability to sway minds, and an ego the size of, well, Jef Tardiff's ego...


I've officially made Cambridge my home.  I haven't rented an apartment or planted any roots but I have adapted to the greater Cambridge paradigm.  Unfortunately for me, I have another month of Maine which means cold, dark, dreary psychological torment.

Luckily, at home (Cambridge), I am in need of very little.  I could always use more time and more money but other than that, all I could ever ask for is...  I can't believe I'm saying this but, Love.

Scary ain't it?  The L word.  I fear it.  I've been in the belly of the beast before.  I've seen what it can do to a person.  Hell, I've seen the motherfucker make someone bleed.  And what business do I have getting involved with such a tyrant again?  I'd have to be blind to fall into the snare again.  But everyday I feel a snag in my heart; I taste the copper yearning in my throat; I long to love and be loved.  Its sickening.

But its something worth talking about isn't it?  They say everyone needs love.  Unfortunately for me, I've had love.  So much so, it consumed me.  I'm a living martyr, scarred from love's lost battles.  But can love really lose?  Have I really beaten love?  Or is love just waiting, seeking out the holes in my armor as it prepares to flank me?

I can't seem to find the answer I'm looking for.

Maybe there is an ensuing battle at the helm.  Maybe I was supposed to fight the love I once had.  Maybe round one was a preparation.  I guess we'll see.

I've noticed a change in my diction.  I've grown old.  My words seem stretched across the not-quite-so white e-parchment.  Everything changes over time I guess.  And what the hell is this uncertain tone I'm writing in?  So much change.


I bid you all a pleasant evening and what have you.  For now, I'll leave the rest of the philosophical banter to you all.

Goodnight.

Well, it was a good run.  I managed to de-fatten myself, get a car, move, fall in love, lose my family, lose my friends, lose my life, fall out of love, go to college, have a fling, make some new friends, develope a raging crush, and now I'm here... sitting in front of the computer in my house wondering whats next.  To be completely honest, my options are limitless.  I have choices right now.  Im my own being.  There are so many paths I could walk at this very moment, my problem is choosing.

 

Right now, there are a few people a would love to text.  As stupid as it sounds, I find it unbearable not to contact people.  There are two people in particular.  One im resisting because I love our newly developed friendship that was (for two gut wrenching weeks) the most awkward situation of whos who and whats what.  The other person is a little more complicated.  Things are tough when you are confused with how you feel.  I know how i feel, but in knowing how i feel, i know that knowing is really the problem and the knowledge of the knowing isnt.  Complicated.  I guess what Im really finding is that sometimes its best to just do what your stomach tells you.  Playing games and dicking around only prolongs things-- good and bad.  Who knows, my contact one of these people could be the smartest thing ive done in a long time, while contacting the other may in fact ruin any chance at ever making eye contact with them again.  you only live once...

 

Another thing that has been bothering me, is the crisis around the "ex" situation.  Everyone wants to know "what happened to tomtom".  Here it is: i left.  Thats all that needs to be said.  If i someone really wants to the extent of it I will gladly tell them one-on-one, face-to-face that i was abused.

 

This leads me to another topic... the topic of apologies.  Im an asshole.  Usually, this isnt a problem because most people tell me my assholeishness is charming.  However, the last 10 months of assholeishness has been different.  Im so sorry to everyone, my family and friends.  Ive caused a lot of damage and im just seeing it now.  I lost so many friends.  quality friends.  friends i will never have again.  It sucks.  I love my friends and I threw them away.  Honestly, i am surprised so many people have been kind enough and willing enough to allow me back into their lives.  thank you.

 

For tonight, im done.

 

Gnight

 

Jeffrey

someone took the time to capture a moment.  to suspend time and create something that will outlive its owner.  You see the smiles and never the tears.  Its the beauty of catching a life, within a piece of paper.  No matter how much you read, or how imaginative a person may be, a picture will always be worth a thousand more words.

The concept is simple, point, click, and shoot.  A mmere moment, point, click, and shoot.  Days, hours, minutes, seconds later, you have evidence of something happening.  Evidence of a wedding, of a birthday, of a time when things were simpler.  Isn't that how it seems?  pictures tell us of the good things that were happening.  of dancing and singing and laughing.  All within a second someone can take that memory with them forever.

If only i had the words to describe the importance and relevance and beauty of a photograph.  Please, point, click and shoot.

-Jef

 

"And if these pictures have anything important to say to future generations, it's this: I was here. I existed. I was young, I was happy, and someone cared enough about me in this world to take my picture"

"The shutter is clicked. The flash goes off and they've stopped time, as if just for the blink of an eye"

-Sy Parrish, One Hour Photo